Because Stage 4 Cancer Isn't Enough-Part 3

     I did my best to present Part 3 as concisely as possible.  I am aware that my family and friends, who have been incredibly supportive to me, may be approaching the point of "Luna Fatigue".  As exhausting as my health complications have been to me, I see that supporting my recovery is taxing to them, too.  

Our Conversation with Dr. R., (my first surgeon):
          -Several days after my second, reconstructive, surgery, Dr. R. came to my hospital room.  It was around 7pm and Wynn was with me.  We had looked forward to meeting with him.
           -One of the reasons I chose Dr. R. as my surgeon was because he has a gentle manner.  Although that night he did not say the words, "I'm sorry,"  his demeanor was that of contrition.  Appropriately so. Whatever he said to us that night, it has been enough for me to work toward finding my peace with his mistake and doing my best to move forward.  I realize that I not only need to heal physically, but emotionally as well. 



Coming Home:

Compliments of Nathan

           -...required a lot of prep.  Wynn and Nathan made arrangements for a hospital bed (and wheelchair) to be delivered and moved furniture around to create a bedroom area for me on our first floor.  They stocked the 'frig with my 'usuals & favorites' and equipped the bathroom so it is accessible for me.  I was so relieved to return home and felt so welcomed. 


Current Therapies:
          -Because I had three surgeries so close together, with subsequent complications, my incision is having difficulty healing.  So, twice a week I am seen at a wound care center.  For the past month I've had a wound vac, which helps draw off the excess fluid in my hip to encourage healing. So far, things seem to be headed in the right direction.  Slowly. Nina's been especially helpful not only getting me to my appointments, but patching my dressing when there's a leak.
          -I go to physical therapy 3 days/week and do my exercises daily.  I hate to brag, but I'm kicking ass in this department.  
          -Using my chest port, I'm infusing an antibiotic twice a day.  I don't mind doing it, except each infusion takes about 2 hours. I'm also taking an oral antibiotic.  The IV medication ends at the end of May and then I'll probably take two other oral antibiotics for several months.
          -Because of the DVT and pulmonary embolism, I'm on Lovenox, a blood thinner.  Unfortunately, it's an injection into my abdomen twice daily, for three months.  
          -I'm taking two medications to help me manage pain.  I find them necessary, especially prior to PT appointments and home exercises.  
          -I still take my oral chemotherapy, Xalkori, twice a day to keep my lung cancer in check.

Pain:
         -I have identified three different sources of pain; bone, muscle and incision.   The bone and muscle pain seem to get incrementally better each day.
The most problematic is the incision. The pain medications I take make all the pain tolerable throughout my day.

On Having MRSA:
          -Just before Mother's Day, I called my infectious disease doctor's office.  I told the nurse that my extended family was having a brunch and little children and babies would be there.  Before I could ask my question, the nurse said, "Oh Honey...hasn't anyone told you that you're not contagious?  The infection is isolated to your hip." No one had said that to me and she put my concerns to rest.

The Future:
          -If I can beat this infection, then I all I need to do is continue rehab.  Right now I'm using a walker, and am learning to tolerate more weight on my bad hip.  Independent walking as soon as possible is my goal.
          -If I don't beat this infection, I'm looking at two more surgeries.  The first surgery would be to remove the infected hip appliance and replace it with a temporary antibacterial appliance.  Apparently, the material the antibacterial hip is made of isn't intended for permanent use, but absorbs antibiotics well. I'd have this temporary appliance for about 3 months, and then go back to surgery to get a permanent hip.   
          -It's a waiting game, so in the mean time, as I get stronger, I hope to go back to work in early June.  My surgeon continues to say, "We'll see how it goes." 

     


     So... that's where I am right now.  I'm working hard to be as healthy and strong as possible just in case I need more surgeries.  I'm also working hard to find my peace with this whole mess so I can move on with my mind, body and soul as intact as possible.

Please, wish me luck!

          

Because Stage 4 Cancer Isn't Enough-Part 2

      As I sit down to try to write Part 2, I'm finding it difficult to put my thoughts together.  I haven't yet wrapped my head around the events of Part 1, and even wonder if I don't have some post-traumatic stress going on.  Thinking that, with the home physical therapist's directions, I was walking around, including stairs, with a broken femur for four days makes me cringe.  On top of that, due to the fracture, I bled so much into my hip that my hemoglobin fell to 5.0 g/dL, (normal range for women is 12.0-15.5 g/dL).  The American Association of Blood Banks' guidelines recommend transfusion at  7-8 g/dL. Although I received four units of blood before the second surgery, as I said good-bye to Wynn, Nathan and Nina, I worried that I would not make it out of that surgery OK.     




     The second surgery with my new orthopedic surgeon, Dr. J., went well.  Here's the X-ray:

     The five bands around the stem of the artificial hip are there to support the fractured portion of my femur. The break is hard to appreciate on this X-ray, but it's on the left side of the stem and splinters downward.




     During all the drama, there was a moment that made me and my family laugh...

     As I was waking up in the the recovery room I was confused, and loud.  I heard male and female voices, that I didn't recognize - which turned out to be Wynn, Nathan and Nina's.  So I started shouting questions:

          Me:  "Where am I?"
          Nina:  "You're in recovery.  You just had surgery."
          Me:  "Surgery?!  For what?! What happened that I'm here?!"    
(Remember, I'm yelling. And I have no idea why these people are giggling.)
          Me:  "Who are you people?!"  
(Then I looked down at my chest and I saw the hospital gown I was in.)
          Me:   "Whose clothes are these?!  Where are my clothes?!"
(More giggling.)
          My thought:  They're so rude.

     Oddly, I remember this recovery room tantrum with great clarity.  With anesthesia and an amnesiac, most folks wouldn't.  This memory is one of few moments of levity I can muster up.

     Several days later I opted to go to a rehab hospital rather than going home.  Along with skilled nurses to watch me, I would get PT and OT twice a day, rather than twice a week, (in home therapies), if I went home.  As far as rehab hospitals go, mine was a very nice one.  It was clean, nicely decorated and most importantly to me, it didn't smell funky.  I was there 10 days, getting stronger with therapies, until I started spiking fevers. 

     So...I was sent back to the large med center, where I had more tests, (blood, ultrasound with hip aspiration, and MRI).  I was found to have a good sized abscess in my hip, along with three pockets of hematoma.  My surgeon explained that the abscess needed to be removed to maximize the effort to fight a suspected infection.  Additionally, hematomas, (solid areas of clotted blood), are a great place for infections to grow and they, too, needed to be removed. A few days later, I was back in the O.R. - my 3rd surgery in 24 days.  Dr. J. debrided my hip of the abscess and hematomas, irrigated with lots of saline, applied antimicrobial sprays, and placed antibiotic beads in the joint which, overtime, slowly release an antibiotic.  He sent biopsies for culturing to the lab to check for infections.

     The results indicated that I have a staph infection in my hip, infamously known as MRSA, (methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus).  Being told I have MRSA felt like I was being told I have head lice. (Yuck.) The infectious disease specialist explained how common MRSA is, especially in patients that spend as much time in the hospital as I had.  I, of course, Googled it to learn more.  Here's what the Mayo Clinic website on MRSA has to say:

Most MRSA infections occur in people who've been in hospitals or other health care settings, such as nursing homes and dialysis centers. When it occurs in these settings, it's known as health care-associated MRSA (HA-MRSA). HA-MRSA infections typically are associated with invasive procedures or devices, such as surgeries, intravenous tubing or artificial joints.

Another type of MRSA infection has occurred in the wider community � among healthy people. This form, community-associated MRSA (CA-MRSA), often begins as a painful skin boil. It's spread by skin-to-skin contact. At-risk populations include groups such as high school wrestlers, child care workers and people who live in crowded conditions.

[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mrsa/symptoms-causes/syc-20375336]

     It took a lot of reading for me to find a comfortable place to be with MRSA.  The good news is there are relatively new antibiotics that are now used and many of us beat the infection.  I started I.V. Vancomycin in the hospital and switched to I.V. Daptomycin when I was discharged.  Due to some side effects, I switched back to Vancomycin, which is a 90-minute I.V. therapy, twice daily.  I've had to juggle my appointments to work these into my day.  I'm also taking an oral antibiotic.  Right now, the end date for these treatments is planned for May 30th.

     Once I was set with the antibiotics, I was set to go home.  But of course, I was missing one last possible complication.  On the morning I was planning to be discharged, an astute 5th-year orthopedic resident noticed that my breathing seemed a bit labored.  He asked me if I was "short of breath".  I told him that I didn't think so, but it made me hyper-aware of my activities and my breathing.  By mid-afternoon, I realized that I was short of breath.  A CT scan found a small pulmonary embolism, (PE), a blood clot in a lung artery.  Further testing found a deep vein thrombosis, (DVT), a blood clot in my calf, not uncommon is patients with decreased mobility.  The most common cause of a PE is when a portion of the DVT breaks off and makes it way to the lung artery.  My hopes of going home that day were dashed.  I was immediately placed on a continuous I.V. of a blood thinner for a few more days.

     By then, I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My dear friend, Brigid, came to visit me and I announced, "You may not want to be here.  I'm cranky and bitchy.  I really need to get the hell outta here."  Brigid laughed and said, "I like seeing this."  That day, when each of my doctors came into my room, I asked the same question..."What do I need do to so you'll let me go home?"  I wrote down each goal and started the process of checking off the list.  Four days after discovering the PE, I went home.  It had been over a month since my initial surgery.  Being home has made a huge difference in my recovery.  I'm eating better, sleeping more soundly, and in general, am much happier.

     There is no doubt that I've gotten healthier and stronger since I've been home, but I'm not out of the woods yet.  I'll wrap this all up in Part 3.

  

[Photo: Copyright: <a href='https://www.123rf.com/profile_pakhnyushchyy'>pakhnyushchyy]

1 Year...

Time.
I've been told it would help...and it has.  The interesting thing about time, is almost every day it feels different.  Sometimes I feel like Ash was just here us, and other times I feel like it's been forever since we had her.  When I sit and think about the details of what occurred one year ago it still almost emotionally crumbles me...and then I sit with the pain for a few minutes, feel it and then move forward.  Anymore I don't even know if I would call what I feel pain...maybe it's actually Love.  A love that was taken, but still a love that is present and watching us.  I'm not sure how it all works, and how much influence Ash can have from where she is...but I feel she still has a hand in our lives, and I'd like to think a lot more than we actually realize.

I like to think that all the little Angels that have fallen into our life over the last year have been lead to us.  Each person has played such an important and amazing role in our lives.  Tender mercies that have been given to us.  From old friends and family that have held us up when we could hardly do it alone...to new friends that have shown up in just the right way at the right time.  People who have not passed judgement on what we were feeling or the way we were going about our life...

I have said that In the worse case scenario, I have the best case scenario.  My people, new or old, past or present have filled my life up with hope and happiness.

As you could imagine this week has been painful.  I have had many many conversations about Ashlee this week.  She was such a bright light to so many, and even in her death she has given a lot of blessings and friendships to others.  I do love that I can see her in my children, and her hand in my life.  The above picture is the lone palm tree that sits on Playa Hermosa Beach in Costa Rica.  It was right out front from this tree that we spread some of Ashlee's ashes in the Ocean.  Ashlee's tree is a marker for me, a place for me to come and connect to her.  I miss her.  so. much.  But healing is an interesting process, for me I feel my healing has been fast forwarded so much due to the experiences I feel Ashlee and God have given to me.  A gentle push in the right direction, a call from the right person, or meeting the right person at the right time.  I have found solid ground in those that care...maybe I'm crazy but I truly feel that none of the events have been by coincidence.



These three kids have probably handled life better then any of use.  Their depth, and wisdom is far beyond their years, it blows me away.  We talk about Ash all the time...we know that she is our guardian, and administering angel...watching over, and guiding us...She is and always will be such a blessing.

I know that Ashlee wants everyone to heal.  One year ago today I lost the person I loved most, the devastation was so thick and foggy it was hard to imagine being happy again or "healed."  Ash just wanted more time with us, and wanted to walk this road together.  Our journey changed in ways we both could have never imagined.  But she has helped us heal, pulled us through most of the fog, and is still along side us as we continue down this journey.  I will always love and miss Ash, we all will.  I think that time and experiences have allowed me to see that although she moved on from this life, we have not lost her.

The last words she muttered before leaving this world as she tried to look into my eyes was "I love you."  

Ashlee, I love you, this last year has been the hardest year of my life.  I feel like I have had to learn so many things, but I also feel the example you were to me taught and left me with the tools to be able to be the parent I need to be without.  I hope i and we are making you proud.  I miss you, and love you so so much and I am so grateful for who you were to me and to all that knew you.  So today we celebrate, love, cherish and think of you!!!

Complete.

Life moves forward, it won't wait for you...even when you really want things to stop.  In a lot of different ways it is a blessing and a curse.  As quickly as I have found myself in the darkest places, I have also found light, perspective, and love of all kinds.  The darkest days seem to have passed, that doesn't mean there are not difficult or sad days, but it does mean there has been a lot of healing.

As I finish this blog, I have to say a few things.  Ashlee and I specifically chose to be very open during this process, and taken many on this journey.  After she passed I chose to share detailed and intimate feelings and events.  By doing so I  know that I have opened the door to criticism.  For those of you that feel like I have shared too much, been too personal, and accounted too many details I hope you never have to go through what we have...and if you do, I truly hope you have as many people on your team as I have had...there is a lot of power in people, and although I did not get the outcome I desperately longed for, I know I was `carried by the many of you that cared for us.

Before leaving for Costa Rica I received a call out of the blue from Pres. Uchdorft.  He told me he was impressed to call me, and tell me that Ashlee's goal is that I am happy, and that my family is happy.  She will do everything she can to help, but there is only so much she can go from beyond the veil.  The timing of this message was perfect.  I have always known that is what she wants for us, but I needed to hear that again, especially that day.  I have also had other signs, feelings, and experiences confirming that.  I have found that choosing to be happy is a choice we do have...Our free agency is one of the most basic principles of life, however having the support of others can make that road to happiness a lot easier to walk.

The first things Ashlee asked me to do after she died was to take some of her ashes to Costa Rica and spread them into the Ocean...There was no timeline, but the trip just happened to fall on Fathers day about 3 1/2 months after she passed.  I had been counseled that Ashlee would be our leading Angel for awhile, and then she would become our guardian Angel.  I believed she has helped pull us through the fog of losing her in this life, and now is looking after us, pushing us forward, and doing all she can to help us be happy.

Sophie

Van

Finn

Audy

Getting closure is something I don't think I will ever look for.  Getting complete is what I have and am working on.  Over the last 2 years or so I have met a lot of people that have lost a husband or wife.  Every single one of them has their own story, experienced the loss, and tragedy in their own way.  Unknowingly, one of the many gifts Ashlee gave to me was the opportunity to have the time to say goodbye, to have nothing left unsaid, and to make our time count.  I feel like I am where I am because of who we were.  

I'm not sure why, but for most of my life I have wondered what people would say at my funeral, who would come, and if I made a good impact on people...I even remember being a little kid thinking about this.  After living through the death of Ashlee, and witnessing the aftermath I can confidently
say Ash lived an awesome life, and deeply touched a lot more people then I even realized.
By going through to terror of cancer, and then death she brought so many of us so much closer together...I find myself thanking her a lot.  The relationships I have have with "my people" are so much deeper, and richer.

In the last few years I have done a lot of things I never thought I would have to do.  Watching Ashlee die, and laying her body to rest at such a young age tops them all.  Fulfilling her wishes and taking her ashes to Costa Rica oddly brought me happiness...it gave me a purpose, and job that I could complete.  I was very emotional leading up to spreading her Ashes, but I remember feeling a sense of peace and love come over me while spreading her ashes into the ocean.  I smiled and felt good.  It was like I could feel her looking down on us with pride, and letting us know that she was happy we completed her wishes.

I've learned that no one is able to escape tragedy.  It is only a matter of time before it, in someway touches us again.  For some reason we are forced to witness or experience the hurt.  That being said I believe in a greater plan, and a bigger purpose.  I believe we are never alone, even when it is darkest...I still feel that life can and will continue to be beautiful, I've just been forced to look at it differently.  I think Ashlee has and will continue to help us see that everyday!

Lessons we just don't want to learn

As life comes at us, we are given lessons that sometimes we just don't want to learn...I now have a long list of lessons I have learned in a short amount of time.   I know as time moves forward I will have a lot more to add to that list...most of which I really never wanted to learn.  But here I am...and here we are...most of us don't even know where here is...or what moving forward looks like.

For better or worse Ashlee's last 17 months of life, and the 2 months since she moved on have blessed me and many of us with with gifts, experiences and opportunities we otherwise would not have been able to have.  Her death and everything around it created an environment that I have never seen before.  I'll start with the last few days for her life.

The anxiety and fear of death slowly faded.  When I asked her about it, she said she was mostly just sad.  She was sad she had to leave, we knew at that point she was close, and there was nothing we could do to stop it or even slow it down.   The grace that she maintained leading up to her death was remarkable.

Ash didn't want to be left alone, so if I had to leave or take care of something her brother, sisters, parents, in-laws, or friends would step in and lay with her.  We usually had 5-6 people all lounging on my bed just talking about memories, laughing, crying, and enjoying the fading minutes with Ash.  She wasn't able to communicate too much, but occasionally chime in with funny comment.

On March 12th we knew Ashlee was going to move on.  We had a full house, and as the night was winding down I brought Finn and Sophie upstairs and told them individually that "we need to say goodnight and goodbye to Mom because she is going to go to Heaven tonight."  I laid each child down on their mom.  Sophie fell asleep with her head on Ashlee's chest listening to her heart beat, and Finn was cuddled up under her arm.  We slowly took them upstairs and tucked them in, knowing that their worlds would forever be changed when then awoke.

As things progressed we knew we were getting close.  Everyone was huddled around, and I felt I needed to play the Conversation Pres Uchdorft had with Ashlee a few weeks prior.  As I mentioned in my funeral talk He talked to her about being accompanied by Angels.  Everyone in that room will tell you the spirit that was felt at that time was nothing like any of us had felt before.

Finally about 11:30 Van fell asleep on me as we all laid in the bed.  Ashlee's sister Sunni had her hand on Ash taking her pulse.  I sat up and looked at Ash, I told her I was going to tuck Van into bed, and that she better not go anywhere without me.  I walked out my room, went upstairs and put my little guy to bed.  As I got back downstairs, I was able to look into Ashlee's eyes, and hold her.  She tried so hard to mumble "I love you" and then she passed away in my arms.  Ashlee was waiting until all her babies were safe, sound, and asleep before she would move on.   I then asked everyone to leave so I could talk to her alone one last time.  I took her lifeless arms and wrapped them around my neck, and talked to her for awhile.  My heart was so full, so grateful she was free, and so proud of the life she lived.

I am so proud of her.  She did it, she completed her mortal journey.  She suffered more than anyone I have known, but did it in such a way that inspired, touched and taught so many.  After she passed, Her mom and sisters did her hair again, and got her all ready.  She told me a week or so before she died that she didnt want anyone to carry her out of the house except me.  So when it was time I wrapped her in a white sheet and carried her out.  I remember at about 3am putting her in the vehicle and watching them drive away.  It was a cold, crystal clear night.  I remember staring into the starry nights sky thinking of the reunion she must have been experiencing.  I remember looking up and telling the heavens how proud of her I was...I could feel joy, sadness, shock, and numbness.

The love between a husband and wife is unique to that marriage.  We love our children, family and friends...but the love we all felt that night and the days leading up to Ash passing on was the first time I felt the perfect love of Christ.  I can't explain it, but I remember talking to Ashlee's brother later telling him that those precious days were truly awesome...which sounds horrible because of the circumstances, but for those who were there understand how I could say that.  We were promised that angles would accompany us and Ash...at the time I don't think we could recognize that as we were so present to Ash, but now looking back at what we felt and the things that were going on, there is no doubt there was a lot more going on then we could see.

Her legacy and light will always live in those of us she touched.  As much as I wish I could go back, the reality of life has set in...The first few weeks after Ash passed there was a certain amount of joy we all held on to.  To know she is in a better place, not suffering helped me feel ok about it.  Then the memories of the suffering fade, and we are left with the good memories.  Those good memories make things a little harder because we can remember the best parts of Ash...then realize that we can't get her back...So in someways it's harder now then right after.

I think that there is a lot in life we have, but there is literally no way to know we have it until it is gone.  The calming peace that a good marriage can provide is something so simple that you don't even know how deep it runs.   I am a happy person, I find happiness everyday, and see beauty all around me...but I am not at peace.  There is an underlying uneasiness that has settled in since the shock has worn off.  It's hard to explain with words...I have been told that will change, and I look forward to that.

Ashlee was always concerned about me and the kids.  When she spoke with Pres. Uchdorft her one request was that He check in on us.  He promised to do so, and about a month after she passed, He showed up on our door step.  He offered tender and hopeful counsel to me.

I don't think I will ever fully understand the amount of blessings we have received during Ashlee's battle with Cancer.  So many wonderful things happened as a result of Ashlee carrying such a heavy burden.  I have never felt so much love from my community, strangers, family and friends.  People showed up in a way that I don't even think they knew they could.  We didn't get the result we so desperately hoped for...but I do believe that we are better people for having known Ashlee.

Funeral talk

I will probably only post a few more things to this blog.  Before the details fade, I think I want to write an account of the last few days of Ashlee�s life...so I might add that in the near future and  I wanted to have the talk I wrote for Ashlee�s funeral documented for my kids.

There were a lot of people that were not able to make the services that have asked me what I said, so this really is the easiest way to accommodate that.

I think I changed a few things as I gave the talk, but this is generally what I shared.

Funeral Talk

I had a lot of people ask me if I was really going to speak today.  I really wouldn't have it any other way.  There is only one person that can tell our story, and it�s been a good story.  

Before I start I need to thank all of those who have helped us along this journey.  The countless prayers, messages, dinners, donations, and love that were sent our way have lightened the immense weight of the last 17 months.  Ashlee and I were not able to thank each person individually, but please know we felt your love, and she felt your love.  It helped show us that we really are just brothers and sister and we are all in this together...so thank you.

I have thought about this day for a long time.  It has terrified me, because since we are all here, Ash is no longer here.  Over the last year or so  I considered writing this talk hundreds of times, I wanted to be prepared, and I wanted it to be perfect...but I could never bring myself to write it.  

Up until late Feb Ash and I never spoke about her dieing.  We chose to live in a world where only hope could reside.  I always believed that she would be the 1% to get past such a horrible disease.  Looking back on her journey, this was always going to be the outcome.  Ash was always the outer lying numbers.  She was a young, fit, strong 32 year old women.  By the time she was diagnosed she was so deep into stage 4 cancer..the Dr's never really gave her a shot...they knew it was bleak.  Most people with this cancer are given 30-33 months and we didn't even get that.

The journey has been so difficult, but at the end of each day, in spite of everything  I was able to lay down next to Ash and everything felt like it was ok...she had something so special about her that could calm any fear or worry of mine.   Every morning I would wake up and feel her breathe and be grateful.  The little things meant so much, just to feel her breathe, and look into her eyes.  To have that perfect partner to talk to about our children, our life, and our journey.

The spectrum of my emotions have been all over.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could blame someone.  But no one did this to us, and no one chose this...it just happened to us.

For awhile I turned my anger to God, and at times I still am angry.  After feeling like our Heavenly Father had abandoned Ashlee...I finally felt some understanding...by looking at my own children.

Our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother have been hurting through this.  They have watched their little girl suffer pain that is unimaginable to most...and I know they have wept for her, as all of us have.  They have a prefect love, and a perfect understanding that we all long for.  It is us who are left behind to deal with the tremendous pain.  When I return to Heaven I am expecting to get my answers.

Most of January and February Ashy and I would sit in our steam shower at night for hours...She said it was her safe place, and we could talk about anything...and it didn't seem hard.  it was there that she finally admitted to herself and to me that her body was done.  Her little body had given all it had to give.  She accepted that her time was near, and only then did we start talking about death.  We discussed her wishes for the kids and what they will need.  We reflected on our beautiful 11 years of marriage.  The 3 children we brought into this world, the many trips, memories and the joy that we had.   

That night she asked me to give her a blessing to allow her to return home to heaven and to find peace.  The next day I gathered a few of our closest friends and family and in the most reverent and special setting I placed my hands upon my wife's head and gave her a blessing to help her find peace and allow her spirit to move on to heaven.  It was one of the most special and one of the most horrible moments of my life.  No one should have to do that to their wife, but it was also a privilege.  

I think one of our best conversations we had was talking about the regrets we had.  We were both able to say with conviction that we didn't have any regrets.  We live a very full and loving life.  I will be able to rest easy know that we gave everything we had to each other.  She accomplished and saw more in 33 years than most people will do in 80 years of life.  

One of the many things I have always loved about Ashlee is that all she really wanted in life was to be an amazing mother, and wife.  She didn't feel the need to find validation anywhere else.  Ashlee was fiercely loyal, if you were one of her people, you knew it.  Even if you didn't know her well she had a way about her that would draw you in.  

It might have been her stunning looks.  She would rarely wear makeup, and was still simply gorgeous.  I would often wake up and look at her and wonder how I got so lucky to have her as my wife.  

Maybe her creativity drew you in.  I remember early in our marriage the Christmas cards we sent out, Ash had me help her hand stitch a border around like 50 Christmas cards...at first I thought it was crazy but the finished product was perfect...it always was!    Ashlee was always so proud of her family, and wanted to represent us that way to everyone else.  I felt that my entire life could have been pulled from a magazine.

A few months back Ashlee's cousin Lindsay secretly put together a photo book for Ashlee.  In it she asked friends and family to write something about Ash.  You would have thought everyone got together to talk about what they would write about Ashlee, because almost everyone committed on what an amazing mother she is and how she inspired them to be better with their families.

Rod Zwhalen-"As I've watched you and Audy raise your kids, I've been so impressed with your tireless dedication and fierce desire to give them everything they need to live happy, productive lives."

Lucy Smoot-"I've decided that when I have kids, I'm going to try and be a mom like you...I know you would do anything for your children.  They know that too, and they adore you so much.  I hope my kids love me the way yours love you, and I hope I can be as patient , kind, and dedicated to them as you are to your three little ones.  If I'm able to half the mom you are, I'll consider my life a tremendous success."

Tasia Steffenson-"I always look forward to spending time with you.  Every time I do I am reminded how amazing you are.  You taught me so much through your example of determination, compassion and sheer awesomeness!  I watch you as a mother and it makes me want to be a better mother.  I watch you as a wife and it makes me want to be a better wife."

Lisa Edmunds-"The one thing you have taught me through your actions is how to be a great mother..You are the best mom, and exactly what all of us moms strive to be."

Christie Nelson-"When I first started hanging out with Ashlee, the thing that struck me the most was what a good mother she was.  She had such great kids, and you could see there was such a methodology in how she was producing such phenomenal little people."

Britney Littledike-"Your ability to be such a selfless mom is something I am always trying to mimic...Mike and I constantly talk about what a perfect mom you are and I am grateful to have you as an example to me..it's always so apparent the priority your kids are to you and the perfect balance you have with them is truly remarkable."

Lindsay Hadley- "The first thing that come to mind when we think of you, is what an incredible mother you are.  We have watched  in awe, as you have poured every ounce of your soul into your babies.  You honored the role of motherhood with the reverence it deserves.

Ash was almost always cool, calm and collected when It came to being a mom, it truly was one of her gifts.  When Finn and Sophie were born, they came 2 months early and had to spend 3 weeks in the NICU. Ashlee would not leave her babies...We would go back and forth from the hospital 3 times a day until we finally got to take them home.  I thought 1-2 times a day was enough, since we couldn't hold them...It really was from the minute she became a mom that she found her calling...

A few years later I would have to bribe Ash to go on vacations without the kids.  I would make loaded bets that only I could win, and �if�  I won we could leave them with family.  I would offer her shopping sprees full of new clothes if she would just go away on an adult vacation.  Even then she would enjoy being gone for the first 2-3 days, and then beg me to change her flight home early so she could get home to them.   As time went on I learned that for every 2-3 trips with kids I could plan one and have her all to myself.  

Once when in St Lucia with Mike and Britney we blew up the tire and rim on the rent-a-car.  We all got out to take a look at it, and me, Mike, and Brit were all kinda looking at it and assessing the damage.  Ash gets out of the car, grabs all the tools out of the back and pushes past us all to start taking care of the tire.  She would let nothing stop her, and when we ran into problems, she seemed to be able to handle anything with ease.

I remember a handle full of trips we took where I would call her from my office, and say, Can you have the kids ready in 30 minutes...the flights are open, and if we hurry we can catch a flight.  She never said no...She could have all of us packed and in the car in no time, and we would be off.  She loved to have a plan, but could put it all together in a moments notice, and was always up for an adventure.

Just a few months ago on a trip to new york, we were all so tired from traveling and running around.  Ashlee told us all that we needed to get out there and see stuff..she said she can sleep plenty when she is dead...we had stuff to see and do.  I have no idea where she could pull all of her energy from...she knew she was running out of time, and needed to take advantage of every moment...and she sure did.

Selfishly when we would go places, I would always be so proud to be seen with her.  Everywhere we went I would catch people staring at her because she would so beautiful, men clearly couldn't keep their eyes off of her. ...She would steal the room when she walked in, and I am sure perfect strangers would be thinking "what is that hot chick doing with that guy"....I was the lucky one

I remember the first trip I took Ashlee on.  A friend of mine said you should always take your girlfriend on a vacation that is a little uncomfortable to see how she does before things get too serious.  I took Ash to Costa Rica.  We had to dress up to fly stand by, so I was in a shirt and tie and she wearing something cute with tights...were were dressed warm since it was winter in Utah.  We got to Costa Rica and had 3 hour of bus ride in what seemed 1 million degree heat with not AC on a very windy mountainous road.  Then we stayed with my parents, but there were no bedrooms so we slept on the futon couch in the living room  with Mckinley next to us...The accommodations were no where near comfortable and intimate...but it didn't matter to Ash...

She never complained about anything, she was just so excited to be with me and be there.  Before we left to Costa Rica I thought I was falling in love with her before we went on this trip, but after the first few days I knew I loved her.  It was on Playa Hermosa beach during a sunset that I told her for the first time I loved her.  She looked up at me and told me she loved me too, and had been waiting months to tell me.

In Ashlee's blog I mentioned that she wasn't just mine.  She was your friend, your cousin, your sister, your daughter, your mother, and yes I was lucky enough to call her my wife.  She meant so much to so many...and we are all feeling her loss.  I can't even start to count how many people have reached out to me and shared their feelings about how her story changed their life, or helped them with their own marriage.  Through this experience, one of the gifts Ashlee gave us was perspective.  The way we see people, the way we approach life, and the way we love will forever be changed.  

 

Ash had an Iron will, she was so strong.  She wouldn't touch her bike and then get on it and ride 100 miles.  Deep into her Cancer treatment, and with no training and essentially no energy, she road 80 miles .  I was always so worried about her, because I knew that she had no quit in her, but I also knew that if I told her to not do it, she was going to do it....I would always ask her friends, and family you watch over her, and tell them that if they could see she was hurting to fake an injury or quit themselves, so Ashlee could help them by not continuing on...  After awhile she caught on, because everywhere she went without me I would reach out to someone to keep an eye on her, and she didn�t like that.. She was pissed, because she didn't want anyone to treat her differently.  

These last few weeks I know the veil between earth and heaven has been thin for Ash.  Watching someone with so much life approach death quickly was very hard and sad for me.  In her last days she maintained the same grace she always carried.  She gave us moments we will forever treasure.  

When Ash was initially diagnosed  she was able to sit down with President Uchdorft one of the leaders and Apostles of the LDS church.  Upon Ashlee's diagnosis we had continually been searching to find peace and understanding, and Pres. Uchtdorft set aside some time to sit down with us.  As everyone would expect his message was simple and heartfelt.  Although he shared many things with us his most consistent message was:  (I am paraphrasing), he said to truly enjoy the time the lord has granted us here on earth.  May it be 1 year or 50 years you will want to look back on the time you have and be truly grateful as each day is a gift.  You don't want to look back with regret and sadness...The time we have is precious, enjoy holding your husband's hand, hugging your children, and enjoying your beautiful marriage.   If we look forward in our lives we can not see through the darkness or uncertainty, but the lord will light the few steps in front of us.  He will always be there lighting the path.

A few weeks before Ashlee passed away Pres Uchdorft reached out to her by phone and again spent some time with her...I wanted to share some of the advice, and thoughts he shared with Ashlee...

I recorded some of the conversation...Somewhere in the middle of the conversation Ashlee said:

Ashlee-  I am just scared...

U-yeah That's ok, I think that we all are in some way...but I can promise you that it will be a positive thing...you will be blessed beyond measure...A light will moved around you and you will feel that people are waiting for you.

A-That's one thing that I am worried about...that I don't have anyone there

Then he responded so tenderly...

U-Awe you have, you are coming from God,(then you could hear the tears in his voice) you are a child of God...there is a Heavenly Father, and a Heavenly mother and they are awaiting you.  And you will be surprised how many are there that know of you and are proud of you.  And of course when you settle in you will see how your wonderful Austin and your 3 kids will just move forward and build the legacy you have started, because you have built a wonderful legacy already...you are truly an elect lady...you are one of those special ones so the legacy is already prepared..you will see they will follow your path... you have set the standards, and they will follow...but it is a tough time, but know that angels will accompany you and angels will accompany your Austin and your 3 children...and they will be protected.

A-That's what I want more than anything, is to know that they will be ok.

To my 3 wonderful children Finn, Sophie, and Van.  Do you see all of these people that are here?  They are all here because they loved your momma so much, and because they love you guys.  You 3 will never be alone.  Your mom will always be in your heart.  Since she can't be here anymore...you have all of us...everyone here loves you and will help you.  We have talked a lot about how Mom just got unlucky and how this isn't fair.  It is not fair, but you 3 are strong kids, you have each other, and your mom made me promise that we would keep living a fun and exciting life.  and I promise to you guys that we will.  Sophie, I will learn to do your hair and be the  best Dance Dad ever.  Finn I will keep trying to sing to you like mom did...and Van I will always keep mom's memories alive.

Ashlee, I loved you so much.  Thank you for giving everything you could give to me.  I will miss you.

The only thing Ashlee wished for was to have more time with her loved ones, and to have the energy and strength to enjoy them.  I challenge all of us to take advantage of the Lives we have been given.  Don't make up excuses, or funnel your energy in places that don't matter.  Cherish your loved ones, travel to someplace you have never been, help out a friend in need.   We only get one life, and speaking from what I watched my beloved wife go through, we never know when it will end.  "Life's for living"

 

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Ashlee's services were very much a celebration. In an odd way there was some healing that was involved. I think to go through so much pain, and watch her suffer so much pain, this was one of the first days in a very long time were everyone really focused on the good and the beautiful life we shared. There were a lot of tears, some sad, and some happy.

 Tasia, Brit and Linds, some of Ashlee's best friends

My friends, brothers, and cousins